I am FINE!!!

* don't read if you don't want to hear about feminine issues

Starting in July of 2009 I missed a period and then another month went by no period and not pregnant either. Then surprise right on my normal schedule it arrived and then October was the same. Then a no show again in November and December with an on time appearance in January and February. I was starting to sense a pattern and then by sudden surprise on the 1st day of Spring Break I passed possibly 2 of the largest and reddest blood clots I had ever seen. It was kind of scary to be honest but nothing more followed really a bit of spotting until a few days later when blood was dripping off my feet. Of course it was a Friday night and the on call doctor seemed less than concerned so the weekend was spent running to the bathroom with my more than helpful husband following behind cleaning up my trail of blood. It was frustrating but David kept it light and humorous with such comments as, "I hope no one gets murdered here because a CSI team is going to have a heck of a time figuring it all out." This continued through the next week and on Thursday I started to keep track of how many tampons and pads I went through in 12 hours(7-7). By noon I quit wearing tampons because they were falling out about every 10 minutes so by noon I went through roughly 25 tampons and 10 pads and that was 5 hours in. At 7pm I called and left a message for my doctors nurse saying how many tampons and pads I went through in 12 hours...25 tampons and 40 pads. I of course was called back first thing in the morning and was seen that day. I was sent to the lab so they could run a bunch of tests and was sent to get an ultrasound. I was put on some meds for 10 days to stop the bleeding(it never did but it wasn't as bad)and after the 10 days I was supposed to have what they call a withdrawal bleed and it wasn't so bad the first few days and then with blood dripping off my feet I called the doctor again and was seen immediately my test were not so great and so I was given some different medication and referred to a ob specialist and off for another ultrasound. By the time I had an appt with a specialist my gums and nails were almost completely white..not good! The new medicine along with an almost liver killing dose of ibuprofen the bleeding finally stopped after 37 days.... woohoo!!!

So my summer started out by meeting with the specialist and that went fine and I was sent for more tests and another ultrasound( a quick note ultrasounds are fun if you are looking at a baby). I came back a few weeks later so they were sure I was not pregnant and they did a biopsy(this was not too bad) and pap smear..all the results came back fine(it is not fun to wait for test results to see if you have cancer not fun at all) and I was scheduled for a 6 month follow up and a 4 month dose of a lovely drug that causes you to have a withdrawal bleed every month. Th's medicine is horrible!!! You take it for 10 days and then not for 14. I works like this you get addicted to it and then you quit taking it and the withdrawal from it causes you to bleed..sounds fun huh? This was taken over 4 months and that last month I honestly didn't think I would make it through..because every month before after 14 days I would take it again ahhhh drugs! The last month however was the end of the cycle so we are talking shakes, sweats, cramps..anything you have read about a drug addict getting clean this was me and it was Christmas time..I can say this our tree was up and eventually decorated!

I had my 6 month check up a few weeks ago and there was a spot!!! All my other tests had come back fine. I even after a year started my period all on my own with no drugs and now there is a SPOT GAK!!! It was decided to have it removed right then!!! I was ill prepared to have a surgery right then but it was happening. They don't put you out for this type of surgery nor do they numb you. I had no one there to hold my hand or drive me home so I was a bit taken aback but put on my game face and prepared in the roughly 15 minutes(this included prep time) I had for an operation. I go into a very happy place during medical procedures even when I am in labor and it is a very serene calm place and so I took a deep breath and went there. The prep was quick..but not quick enough and then I was ripped quite quickly out of my serene little world by the most incredible pain. They had accidental cut the entire length of my vaginal wall on their way up to remove the spot. Now the removal of the spot was painless but the cut of the vaginal wall not so painless. After that was all done...I went home and I went to bed and that is just were I stayed for the day! I have finally healed up from all of that mess and am feeling great I even started my second period on my very own YAHOO!!! My test results came in the mail yesterday and everything came back normal. I have a checkup in 3 months but I am free and clear from any type of biopsy or pap smear for a year and NO CANCER.

Why do I share all of this you ask? I think we too often go around and act like everything in our lives is perfect...I know even during this time I did...when someone would ask how I was doing the answer was always fine. I would sit in Ward Council and hear of the needs in the ward and say nothing because I was fine. Did I sit around and mope or cry during this time not one tear..there was some worry at first but no tears no fretting because I was fine. It wasn't until a few days after my last biopsy I realized I am not fine! Why did I keep doing everything I was doing? Why didn't I delegate more? Why didn't I take help that was offered? Why didn't I ask for help when I needed it? And why did I always say FINE? Why do I always say fine? Why do WE always say fine? Did you know the number one lie women tell is saying they are fine!!!

What I have learned through this experience is... I guess I want to start off by saying we should not start going around and complain all the time not at all...but when someone asks with sincerity how are you the answer does not have to be fine if it isn't. We can be honest without divulging our life story. We can ask for help when we need it and when we do ask for help be clear why you need help again you don't have to divulge your life story but sometimes when you need help it is necessary to say why or just might not get it(I have learned through experience). Take help that is offered EVERYTIME even if your house is a mess!!! Our lives for the most part are fine but when they aren't it is okay to slow your life down. Take a real look at your life and figure out what your priorities are and what makes you happiest and do those things with help, delegate what you can(it isn't going to fall apart if you don't do it, now it might not be done how you wanted but it got done and that is what is important),and it is okay to not be FINE because how many of us are fine all the time!